Actually, better than I expected. Not super-duper, but better.

Over the Christmas break, I experienced a serious lull in creative energy. It was distressing for a few reasons, but mostly because break should have been the time I got the most writing done. I didn’t have to work (or drive to work, which usually takes anywhere from an hour to two hours out of my day), I could write nearly whenever I wanted to, I had less to focus on, et cetera, yada-yada.

I am also two weeks behind on these posts, but I don’t think I’m going to try to “catch up”. There will just have to be a missing post. Shit happens, you know? And last week really happened.

For the first time since my high school graduation in 2016, I attended a graduation ceremony of mine in-person and on-time. This isn’t meant as a critique or derision of my undergraduate ceremony: That was so special and nothing could replace it except in a parallel universe where the pandemic never happened, and that’s just not a tangible ask. That said, the joy of seeing people, of walking onto the stage when my name is called, of taking photos with my professors and parents and friends, of going out for pints after dinner and staying until they kick us out, of the anticipation before and the shenanigans afterward: the joy of all of this happening, on-time, cannot be exaggerated. It was maybe the closest we will ever get again to recreating the unfeigned and so, so beautiful joy of the year of study.

I graduated with my Master of Arts in Creative Writing, by the way (don’t look so surprised), from the University of Limerick.

Maybe it was going back to Ireland and the build-up to it that got me writing again, but since January 11, I have written not insignificant amounts nearly every day. I have been excited about writing every day. I have wanted to write every day. See, I used to try to make myself write, even if I didn’t feel like it, but what I would do was make myself write the next couple words or sentences of the larger piece I’m working on, and that never felt right. Famous writers tend to give the same advice that to be a writer one must write every day, sometimes with the added instruction to read every day. On days I feel uninspired, sometimes all I can do is get out a measly little four-line poem and call it a day. If my head isn’t in the right space and if what I call the Flow isn’t coming organically, I cannot write but for the safety of my work. I really fear I could ruin it if I write too much on a bad Flow day.

What do I mean by the Flow?

Sometimes when I sit down to write, I feel empty. I feel empty mentally, maybe a little physically and emotionally, but most importantly, I feel empty creatively. No thoughts in head. No lights on at home. But it’s not just in my head because the Flow comes from the source, which I have to imagine is some intangible, impossible triunity of the head, the heart, and the soul. That’s where creativity comes from, I think.

Five bucks says I read this again in 25 years and think, “Jesus, what a load.”

Wherever its source, the Flow must be present or I cannot write. Simple as. I needed help identifying it, and one of my professors at the M.A. did just that. It mattered, identifying it, because now I can give it a name, and as they say in some darker circles and older texts, once you know the true name of a demon, you have some semblance of control over it. Not that I have any control over the Flow: It either comes or it doesn’t. No, not so, but being able to identify it and its absence by name means that when it is present, I can give it my absolute attention and make the most of it. I don’t have to scramble anymore and distress that it’s going to leave in five minutes so if I don’t get writing immediately right now right nOW I’m going to lose it; I know that I can hold onto it. Not forever, but long enough to write something meaningful. It may last for days, after all! When it is absent, on the other hand, I know not to beat myself up about writing and to explore other art and creativity that isn’t strictly writing (or even reading!). I know the Flow will return. It is only a matter of time.